Good morning, Twitter 😊
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
mentally somewhere in italy
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade