If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
This classic never gets old . . .
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge