ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
asked my bf how work was today
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.