i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school