We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat