Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.