“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Breaking news:
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
when there are deer in the woods
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.