I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.