Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You Might Also Like
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.