Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
You Might Also Like
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar