Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”