I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
それは草
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.