jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
*Inspirational Tweets*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Storm Tropical Storm
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.