Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.