[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.