I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
You Might Also Like
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.