My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”