You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.