When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Social Media and Real life
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo