I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
This is not me but this is me
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
i’m still crying at this
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.