A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher