Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.