I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
R.I.P.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.