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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium