Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?