Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey