“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
True?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.