If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)