The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
You Might Also Like
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
When you let grandma cat sit
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I love the honesty
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low