I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I think we should hear other voices.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Based Erika
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.