“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
You Might Also Like
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
why am I working on Labor Day
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My Sentiments Exactly
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.