I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife