Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
plant them where lol
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
A friend sent me this.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this