What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years