Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.