*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: