*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
😎 🍻
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.