I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.