A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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Great Canadian literature.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.