The Others (2001)
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
PLEASE READ
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.