I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.