I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”