Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.