I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.