Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
the greatest twitter interaction
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Try and stop me.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Guilty! 🤪
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans