*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Current mood: Potato
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.