Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*