Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
All excellent questions
December birthdays be like…
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}