The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably