Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.